September 9th, 2001

by phil on Thursday Jun 12, 2003 7:27 PM

Okay, let's get the confusion straight up ghetto gotham.

What's bothering me:
- one, I don't have control over when I want to think about things, like I used to be
- I forced in there this whole force to be happy, that it automatically guides my thoughts, and in many cases, provides more complexity and conflict. I already have in there automatic engines for power, numberonage, be right, nobility, some health, anaylsis, sex sex sex, that guides what ideas pop into my head and whether I fight things or not, and filter and guide things, adding in happiness only throws in a gear that makes things MORE fucked up, especially because I have been forcing it into my head.
- Also, I don't like the happiness thinking because it gets me thinking and analyzing and on a trend to change things, I don't really like change, I am getting comfortable with the way things are, with teh average amount of pain + happiness, it usually with more net negative that you don't get comfortabel, and you seek rehash, maybe that's why I do it to keep me limber and always paranoid and always winningist
-- but then I'm not truly happy knowing that I'm comfortable, note: you are confused, that's why you're writing.

On one hand, you want to be able to do the happiness think, on the other hand, you really cannot.

I wanted emotional intelligence, intuition says that's a good thing, although awareness is fricking annoying, it's needed to end this pain... the way to get it is via that happiness push, which WORKS, I know, but now I got happiness to deal with, and I'm more of just forcing it without really even asking whether I care.

How would I like my head to work.

I would like somewhat automata, but I would still like a choice. If I feel like beating myself up, it's because the power says so, and i think that's good for me to fulfil that, if I feel like doing the happynises think because that's the positive thing, the better thing, the right thing, then I choose to do that, no filters, nada.