Stream of Consciousness: A transition into a Worry State

by phil on Tuesday Oct 7, 2003 12:36 AM
Me Me Me

first off, I don't think all my fears are warranted.

I guess that's part of my personality, I get ultra-worried about those things, and then I over-compensate really hard, like I really slam down hard, I guess it's insecurity. yeah, live with it, adapt, I'll probably always have those kind of insecurities, I've had that since I was god knows how young, i'm a perpetual worrier.

everything is lacking from everything, I'm not doing enough etc... yeah oh well.

be natural then I guess, let it go, this I know, I'm insecure as fuck, how am I going to get a girl, how blah blah, nonetheless, I don't think it's wise to respond back by controlling yourself to those goals, you have to manage through the wind, by letting go, a back and forth, an artish. you know, no regiment, no schedules, but an understanding.

and when I'm exhausted, frustrated, and have no energy, then that's the worst, but I think I don't feel half as bad when I have a week or something of solid production.

yeah, I'm terribly insecure abot money, success, results, i have to adapt to it, that's wh I am, tremendously insecure, I worry these things to death, heh, this'll probably never change.

yeah, adapt, so like, don't over-commit, pick a few projects that you can worry over, if they were to boil over.

i.e. yeah, right now, 12 units of class, worry about that, my blog, worry about that, you know, just stick with two, you got to narrow your focus.

yeah, yeah, employ that expedient talk.

yeah, it'll drive me towork out..

yeah, gcive up on your muscle buildin, although your healthometer, should keep going up.

god damn, yeah, my inecurities pound me through, I have no idea how I can handle this. I must find a way to deal with this.
a couple of ways, put some certain goals in the forefront, therefore to eliminate confusion about the small stuff.

things that get me most insecure: my physical state, my monetary state, my social state.

same deal, always been that way, yeah... hmm, I'm cycling into one of my control states, making a chart of the areas I want to work on.

anyways, what did I learn from that, well, it works for a little while, and then i just get exhausted and nihilistic all over again, and then the system restarts.

anyways... I want to maximize my physical state, yeah, god dammit, trying to do these things necessarily leads me into levels of control that I hate gettincg into, you know, that's why its' not part of my system.

yeah, we're getting too abstract.

your health and shit, semi-automatic good.

what i want you to focus on

I choose "deeppink" because I feel like I'm simultaneously boiling and charging forward. A thick hue suffices to show my charged state, combined with a slight hue shift giving a sense of deviation or dynamism away from an angry red to possible progress?

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