+4 Funny: The solution to Friendster's database problems

by phil on Sunday Mar 7, 2004 7:48 PM

Through Phutureboy's brother..

I think I've come up with a system which will solve Friendster's database problems:

First you get 2500 chimpanzees, and arrange them in a 50x50 grid. Each monkey is sitting in front of a chute which dispenses ripe bananas. Whenever the Friendster server needs to retrieve a piece of data, bananas will be dispensed across the grid in a pattern that represents the parameters of that database query. Monkeys who do not get bananas will begin flinging feces at the monkeys who do get them, and an array of overhead cameras, connected to an advanced video analysis system, will extrapolate the vectors and distribution of said feces.

In another room, these vectors are fed directly into the cerebral cortex of a stoned teenager in a Slipknot T-shirt, who is playing Excitebike. His NES, which has been augmented with sophisticated artificial intelligence algorithms and has achieved consciousness, uses the input from the game controller to infer the appropriate response to the database query, and telepathically transmits this information to Miss Cleo.

At this point the user will be prompted to call Miss Cleo, who will tell them the answer in highly inauthentic Jamaican patois. This will cost $2.99 per minute, but there will be several Kingston rude boys standing by Miss Cleo who will roll 3d6 every time someone calls. If the result is less than Miss Cleo's saving throw, the rude boys will gang-rape her at knifepoint.

I think this will be a much more efficient system than whatever the fuck they're doing now.

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