getting older

by phil on Tuesday Dec 20, 2005 12:41 AM

I think what's going on here, is that everything that I'm seeing is quite out of the ordinary. It doesn't seem to be that what's going on is really happening. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get at. Am I elaborating on a perceptive disconnect? Am I missing something? I'm not talking about paranoia, where you start hearing or seeing things that don't belong. But everything just seems so surreal. I don't know how to describe it.

Nothing particularly special's going on in my life. I wonder if I'm just getting older.

I'm a very sensitive person--not in the pathetic way--but sensitive to the structures around me, like physics and such, and problems of consciousness. And of course, like I'm extremely introspective.

I'm home or christmas, maybe that has to do with it. I've been "home for christmas," six, seven, eight times in a row now. Coming from being somewhere else, and there's always the same christmas tree, and there's the same people that come over, the same conversations, the same lack or not lack of conflicts or arguments.

I haven't really grown much in the past six years. I like to think that I've been on some fantastic journey of self-discovery throughout college and post-college, but coming home and seeing my parents' cars again in the garage, and taking in that old home smell, and seeing my parents, and my parents haven't changed, my siblings haven't changed. Thanks to modern technology, my parents have been aging a lot slower than their biological age due to nutrients and being and living in SoCal. Being hooked into various newsletters and health and beauty tips, you can mantain yourself pretty well.

Maybe this is the grand congealing that occurs after adolesecence where life becomes less of an arc and more of a loop.

And it's like everyday refolds the previous day, it's just a remix of the previous day. I'm not saying that I'm bored of it; my life is fun and interesting. But it seems like... I feel vaguely stationary. like. I mean, I'm not losing motivation, I still have goals and I want to achieve certain things. But the having of these goals is a constant, there's more things constant in my life than there are variable.

For sure I'm single right now, but one day I won't be single again. but this single-to-not-becoming-single thing is not a novel event. It's a repetition of that until I have a wife and kids, but that'll probably be a novel event. Still though, there has been a percieved major decline of novel events in my life. Even when new things come along that are "novelty." Like for example let's say when the Internet came along, well I was young then, but let's say new paradigm shifts similar to the Internet come along, I will be amazed right? But that amazement will not be a new amazement, because I've been amazed before by new things. So if something new comes along, I'll have that same amazement, but I won't be amazed as I was with that first amazement again.

It's like every emotion that I'm meant to have felt, I already have a memory of that emotion. There is some index for pretty much every situation that could come up.

Sure there'll be surprises in life, but the surprises won't be surprises. That there will be surprises won't be a surprise. The first time you had a surprise in your life, or a major surprise, was surprising. That feeling of surprise.

But now I feel like I'm on a unicycle on water and it's neither good or bad.

Comments

Joe Smith said on December 22, 2005 8:42 AM:

Hey mang,
There will be many surprises in rife to come...

In the meantime...IT WAS YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!

Anish Dhingra said on February 23, 2006 2:31 AM:

Ditto, but not ditto... hmm