How am I not myself?

by phil on Wednesday Aug 30, 2006 12:00 AM

There is this archetype of a person, most epitomized by Gatsby in The Great Gatsby. And this person is me, and this person is about six people I've known, all of whom I met at Stanford.

We're not fake, or maybe we are. If you're involuntarily fake, can you really be fake? I don't think we're fake as in the connotation given to snobbish, manipulative, condescending socialites. Rather, we put on a smile because anything else feels awkward. To others, it may seem awkward to smile when you don't mean it, but to me I feel more awkward if I don't smile when someone tells me a joke that I find only partially funny.

And my relationships aren't fake—I will bail you out at 4am from prison. Maybe fake is not the right way to describe a lot of my relationships. How about estranged? I want to connect with others, but there's too much of an extra-sensory discourse going on in my head, a superfluous backstory that interferes with intimacy.

How can I expect to have a normal heart-to-heart with someone who I spent the last hour analyzing?

Burden, duty, honor, obligation, and primal needs keep me connected. But honestly, I feel better when I'm alone in a room in Japan. I prefer being at a distance from my social sphere thousands of miles away.

But I don't want to do that. I don't like being estranged. Hell, I don't think it's healthy to be so alone. This sociality, an unpleasant mix of social skills and alienation, characterizes this archetype.

Comments

Martin said on March 9, 2007 10:16 PM:

I think that what keeps me away from peopple (somehow like you) its like a torrent of toughts about that person that rushes into my mind whie Im interacting, and I think that this "phenomenom" its not fakeness its like an alienation from the most of peopple, and beeing fake would be not listen to this toughts becouse THAT its yourself, and the peopple that doesnt cause to you this rush of toughts are the peopple to be cherish.
Well this is in my case, and Im half narcisist half antisocial... (jeje I know this becouse I study Psicology)

PD: Sorry for the bad spelling but im from Argentina.. so english its not my lenguage.

Ashkaan said on March 10, 2011 10:05 AM:

It's the first time that somebody says exactly what's on mind eating me,and i dont know i should be happy or sad
i was googling hoping someone understands my problems and my feelings when i saw your note;
i know its for so long ago,so i wanna know if you've found a way to rid this situation
plz help

i hope u see this

Jeremy said on September 29, 2011 9:09 AM:

there's two sides to us. both sides have multiple faces. on one hand, you have your socialized self. in my case, his name is Jeremy. Jeremy presents to the world a multiplicity of faces, depending on the situation and the people he encounters. jeremy is sometimes upset, jeremy is sometimes happy, jeremy is sometimes at peace.

then there's the other side. the side that moves the trajectory of faces that is Jeremy. the force that moves my fingers to the keyboard, that mechanism that control the muscles and muscle memory. this self is mutable, and thus allows for Jeremy to have his many faces. but at the same time, this self does not have the capacity to feel anger, or even happiness. all a "force" can really be is... there. everyone has a different name for it, but it is in everyone. god, soul, spirit, heaven, brahman, that which propels the trajectory of your socialized self.

i dig where you guys are coming from. its a rough feeling, like being torn on both sides while walking highwire. on one side, i despise that most people are so stuck in this shell of a self, their socialized self. they dont see that there's more than just their problems and desires. on the other hand, being a hermit sucks ass. i get lonely. but when you share ideas like this with most (especially where I live in Southern America) they look at you with a mixture of confusion and mockery.

good luck fellow highwire walkers ! : )